Today Matthew I Am Mostly ... Struggling

I wrote a blog post once called The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.  It noted that I, like most bloggers, tend to blog about good things / days / events / moments.  It is always easier to write and publish upbeat essays because a) it is great that you can summarise that your life is good and you are coping well and b) people would rather read something happy than negative - for the most part anyway.

I also started a small series of posts (to be completed), as part of the Disability Diaries feature.  These are called 'Dark Days' summarising my experience with 'reactive depression' and how I beat it.  I noted that I came through that hard period in my life, but every now and then, one of those days comes along to bite me on the arse. 

This is one of those days.  I should have foreseen it coming.  I am starting to find a pattern in when these - very sporadic - days occur now.  The last one was after we celebrated J1's 8th birthday last November.  We had such an amazing day. Infact I would go so far as to say a perfect day.  It wasn't that we did anything over the top, or that would win awards for spectacular show-stopping events.  It wasn't that we spent lots of money.  It wasn't that we thought out of the box.  It was just everything we did that day : a session in the sensory room, followed by J1's favourite restaurant meal and then a big chocolate cake at home - made J1 so incredibly happy. 

We did not have one single meltdown - even when we sung 'Happy Birthday'.

It took eight birthdays to find one that suited J1 perfectly.  And that was a feeling that no amount of money, fame or luck would ever surpass.  Therefore when I woke up the next day, with that proverbial 'Black Cloud' hanging over my head I was quite taken a back.  The Hubby could not work it out.  Why was I in such a low place after the amazing weekend we had just had?  I have no explanation.  I would rather not visit that place, but when I do it is not out of choice.  I just pray that when I do go there is it only for the duration of most sickness bugs, 24 hours. 

So far, that has been the case.  I have been lucky.  Obviously my mind is now coping to such a good degree that it is quickly able to recover and right itself, from 'knocked out on the floor' to 'back up and running'.

Anyway, I thought that if perhaps I write it would help the process along.  I think it is also good to stand up and say 'I have bad days'.  If I read posts that do that, it makes me feel better, because I do not feel I am wrong for having them.  It is always good to know others feel the same.  For their own reasons of life events.

This isn't an 'angry' bad day.  Those too are infrequent, but very different to today.  This one is a more, resigned, self pity type.  Those bug me.  I am not a resigned or self pity person.  So when I feel like this it is annoying to not have the energy to fight it off.  Hence the praying it only lasts until bedtime.

I believe today is a case of 'What goes up, must come down'.  As posted about in 'What Has Made Me Cheerful This Week', we have had the most amazing and - I would go so far as to say - life changing week.  Months of hard work, planning and preparation all come to fruition in the course of three days.  With all the elation over the adoption; the excitement of a birthday; the anticipation of living somewhere new and all the incredible amounts of energy required to move it is no wonder there has been a bit of an emotional crash.

And, to be fair, there has been an event which has been the instigator of this crash. 

Teeth (cue 'Dom Dom Doooooooommmmmmmmm dramatic sound effects).

I have a recurring dream (read nightmare) whereby I re-live the day I had to have two teeth extracted when I was five.  I am now 33.  This is how much it scarred me.  Therefore I have always been super cautious with my teeth, ensuring excellent oral hygiene has always been maintained.  I have had to have one or two minor fillings, dreaded yes, but dealt with.

Until six weeks ago, when a routine trip for a 'small cavity' to be filled turned into a nightmare.  After having said 'small cavity' on my wisdom tooth filled, The Dentist noted he had noticed another potential cavity on the tooth next door but one to the wisdom tooth.  A quick x-ray revealed that actually there was huge decay within the tooth.  I believe, sensing my reluctance to be sat in the chair at all and noting I may be a flight risk, he announced he would deal with it there and then.

It was bad.  He noted that I may have 'some discomfort' with it, because he had to work close to the nerve.  'Some discomfort' is not the description I would give to the pain that ensued for the next fortnight.  Just when I was debating if I could stand it any longer, it started to calm down.  And after a further two weeks of tenderness, but improvement, it finally seemed to be returning to a usable level of comfort.

Then I felt a rather large 'lump' forming on my gum.  After mentioning this to 'The Font of All Knowledge' (a.k.a Mum) she looked and said 'Abscess darling, better get an emergency appointment with it being Bank Holiday weekend.'  Of course I was reluctant.  I hoped that since it wasn't hurting it might just go down the next day.  Wishful thinking.  After gleaning several opinions that I would just be given antibiotics to clear it up, the appointment was made.

Either people lie or the abscess had gotten to big to just be left to clear up with antibiotics.  After one quick look The Dentist quietly (I am sure with the phrase 'flight risk alert' running through his mind again) and swiftly 'drained' it.  This required much prodding and stuffing ones mouth with gauze.  This process was not particularly painful, more uncomfortable.  What was painful was when he said he 'hoped' that by draining it and giving me a course of two potent antibiotics, this would clear it up - because other 'options' were limited.

Root Canal or Extraction.

Palpitations are still being had.  I know I am irrational over dental work, but this is not something I have very much control over.  I would rather take it like water off a ducks back and wish it wasn't all I could think about.  But this is not the worst part, in addition to being filled with all consuming (and I grant you irrational) fear, because of the 'draining' and the shoving that was required around the tooth with the 'massive and near to the nerve filling', I am now in extraordinary pain.  I suspect the nerve has inflamed because I can not even let my tongue brush the tooth.  If it does it sets off a pain that fills my head.  The whole side of my face has it's own heartbeat and I can't get away from the discomfort.  This is starting to get to me.  Particularly as the discomfort ensured little sleep was had last night.

The worrying thing is that I don't think it's the abscess that is causing the pain.  So I am further worrying that when the antibiotics do kick in and start to work their magic on that, it's not going to make much difference to my pain level. 

But then, the down day really hooks up with the pain.  I start to think, if I think I am suffering what the hell did J1 go through when he had his hip operations?  And then all those thoughts start, and usually I would be able to override them, get on with life, but on a low, PMT and pain filled day I can't brush them away.  Can of worms - certainly.  Anger management techniques required, surely.

So let's hope that this is just a 24 hour bug.  That tomorrow pain relief really will come my way.  PMT will be gone.  All the sad / angry thoughts regarding the injustice that J1 suffered and suffers that have hopped out of the box like naughty monkeys will be reigned back in.  That this day will be logged on this blog as a distant memory. 

I guess tomorrow we will see if writing about it really did help?

(If you have made it to the end of this post, you are a loyal reader!)