In the midst of our lifetime, we experience many changes. We age, from baby, to toddler, to little girl/boy, to bigger girl/boy, to teenager, to young adult and finally 'fully fledged' adult. Certain of these aging processes can seem to take an extraordinary amount of time to get through (toddler-hood for a mother, teenager-hood for the person experiencing it).
Adulthood, once reached, can be a mixed blessing. Depending on if you are a glass half full or a glass half empty person, I believe, it can either loom; with things only likely to go downhill with approach to senior years or it can stretch, long ahead with infinate possibilities that can only come with experience and wisdom being on your side. You may have once been a nervous, unconfident teenager but as an adult you may have long washed those days away and feel charged about heading into life with clear open eyes on the way of the world.
I look at my life in era's when it comes to age. A happy childhood. An unscathed teenage run but with a lost sense of direction. I floundered in my early 20's, with the pressure that a lot of my friends (I realise now ridiculously) felt of feeling like a failure because by the age of 23 we were not huge successes, with our own homes and perfect relationships.
Then my world as I knew it got turned upside down. I unexpectedly fell pregnant. Life as a mother started for me. Not only that, a life a special needs, single mother began. I was only 25. I thought that was quite old back then. I thought I was a confident and world knowledgable women. I wasn't.
Real confidence for me, has only come with real-life adulthood trauma, which up until I had my baby boy I had not experienced. My take on life now is; nothing is as hard (or rewarding) as motherhood. I took my, meek young self and dealt with a tough hand life decided to deal me. If I can do that I can do anything I try and drum into myself.
However, every now and then a little self doubt raises its head. When it came to work, I had 'relative' confidence. Many years of working in my profession meant yes, I was good at what I did. I felt comfortable and worked my way up to managerial level. If I didn't feel wholly confident with something, I at least felt strong enough to bluff my way through. Therefore I found it quite difficult to understand people who would say 'Since I had my baby I have just lost my confidence and am really worried about going back to work.'
Of course I couldn't understand it. I didn't stop work. I had to maintain that confidence. Even when I did get the opportunity to become a stay at home mum, for the first year, my mind was still in work mode and I felt I could have strolled back to work and picked up where I left off.
However, it has now been more than a year since I left the world of work. It has been over three and a half. My days of having my youngest son by my side 24/7 are almost at an end. We have already decided we are not going to be having any more children.
Without me realising it, an end of an era is nigh.
Do I let the stretch of our post baby days scare me, with the big 'what am I going to do next?' question? I can hear people saying 'Get a job'. Our finances could only be helped by that for sure. That very sentence has passed through the depths of my mind.
Then the fear hits. The fear that I could never understand before. I have been out of the workplace for over three - and - a - half - years - a statement that lurks always in the back of my mind. Younger, more energetic models have risen through the ranks. To be honest, I can only remember the negative parts of working in management; never being able to please anyone; staying over and above the hours you were actually paid for; taking work home in preparation for meetings I hated heading up. And the big question :
Could I still do it?
The answer would probably be yes. The bigger, more thought-provoking one is :
Do I want to?
The answer :
No.
I do not wish to return to the professional from which I left. There I have said it. So, then the questions really begin.
So what do you want to do?
Are you prepared to retrain?
Can you afford to not go straight back to work?
Question, questions, questions. Heart palpatations. Sleepless nights. Our 21st Century life as we know it, doesn't particularly encourage us to be happy with our lot. We are trained, consciously or sub-consciously I do not know, to always be striving for more.
What would be your honest reaction be if I said 'Well, I have worked since I was 16 years of age, I have met my soul-mate and had children - so any child free hours are now my own to play with.' It probably wouldn't be all that complimentary. Would you think I lacked passion? Would you think I was a spoilt house wife?
I would imagine 'Well maybe she is just content.' wouldn't be something you thought.
I would imagine 'Well maybe she is just content.' wouldn't be something you thought.
Sadly, I wouldn't be content. Even if we were in a place where I had a healthy disposable income and could be a lady of leisure. But I am also not happy with the idea of returning to a profession I have no interest in. A large portion of our time is spent in the work place, so I do not want the majority of my day to once again be filled undertaking tasks that for me hold no passion. But I do need my own income. Can I really make a career for myself in something I enjoy aswell? Has adulthood so far armed me with that amount of confidence?
So as these times change, my boys growing at a rapid pace I am standing at a two pronged fork in the road. Do I have the metaphorical balls to take that path marked 'New and Unknown'?
