Thursday, 13 June 2013

Lost - One MoJo

It seems strange to me, that I am struggling to find the inspiration to sit down and write.  Through all tough or hard times before I have found that writing has stayed a constant source of comfort.  I suppose sometimes things get so stressful, the flame to do anything gets put out.

That is the scary thing.  When you get that feeling that you can't be bothered to do anything.  Go to the shops; take the children to the park; take any exercise; write.  I have been there before and have no desire to visit again, so I am finding it unnerving that I seem to be on that very train to that undesirable destination.

The shining light.  That feeling isn't all day, everyday.  Like today for instant.  I have been out with one of my oldest friends for her wedding dress fitting.  And for a couple of hours everything seemed 'normal'.  My heart didn't feel heavy in my body.  My eyes didn't feel tired in their sockets.

I know life is hard for many people right now.  It is sad to know, but also comforting - to know I am not the only one feeling like they are drowning in the hum drum of life as an adult.  I have many precious gifts, my Husband, my children, my family.  In that respect I am blessed.  But we are blighted by the economy and have been hit hard to the point of every piece of security we have ever had being a hares breath away from being ripped from under us.

That is hard to live with on a daily basis.  It starts to make you feel anxious.  This leads to a whole host of rather unwanted side effects but I suppose it is a blessing that I was aware they were happening and could take steps to try and tackle them.  But it is a slow process.  Some days are more productive than others.  I crave the productive days.  The ones where I see a glimmer of the person I used to be.  I can feel myself reaching out my arms and screaming for her to take back over - but at the moment she seems just out of reach and I am struggling to find the energy to fight for her.

I want to feel the passion to sit down and write.

I want to feel the desire to push a career in writing.

I want to feel the pride of keeping a lovely home.

I want to feel the joy of entertaining the children.

I want to be a good wife - the women who used to laugh.

But it is a struggle at the moment.  My head is so full of stress and confusion sometimes I feel I can not string a sentence together.  I always had moments like that before, but moments was all they were.  Now I would like to open the top of my head and shake out the excess, so I can think straight.

I guess that is what counsellors are for.

So what is the point of this post?  I remembered that when I used to write, I did it to clear my head.  I think there is too much going on in it at the moment for that to work but you know, nothing ventured and all of that.  I used to fit blogging into my routine.  Now I don't feel I have a routine.  A search for clarity.  Most certainly.  I have been searching for that since I have been MIA from the blogging world.  Maybe I will find it here.  I can tell myself that everything will work out.  And almost believe it.

I can apologise to The Hubby and my children for being such a snappy mardi-arse.  I can say I am sorry and I am trying to work my way through it.

I can continue the search for me.

I can try and resume normal service.

I can hope.


  1. Best of luck - I've had fallow periods too, and I also am feeling very anxious, both about the present and about the future, all the certainties we once hoped would give us security through are lives are being dismantled one by one :(

  2. I have just sent you a 'cheery' email about Britmums before reading this, and now I feel like an insensitive clod. So sorry to hear you have been feeling in a bad way, because it really sounds like you have been through the mill and are feeling low, depressed. I am guessing you have been to the doctors etc - have you asked for any counselling? As well as writing it all out, talking it all out can really help too. And with your writing and blogging - writing short posts could help you get back into it but don't pressurise yourself either. Have you also thought about making a few changes to your blog theme e.g. new background and title - having fun doing something like that could help spark your creativity. Your mojo will return - the best thing to do is just to write - even if it's about your mojo for the next ten posts!!!! Just writing something, anything can help to trigger it again.

    I have missed you and your lovely blog. XXX

  3. I have missed you too, and thought that you were probably just busy, but I agree with OM, it does sound like you are quite down at the moment. When things start going wrong one by one or there is too much change in one go, it can be difficult to cope, especially if the direction things are taking is not one you would have chosen. I'm sorry things are feeling a bit much at the moment, and again I have to agree with OM, if writing it out helps you, then I would look forward to reading about it. Even without your writing mojo, your posts are always interesting. Take care of you, too. Polly

  4. Lynsey, I read this the other day but didn't feel able to respond properly on my phone, so sorry it's a few days late!

    I am so, so sorry you're feeling so down right now. I know that is a truly awful place to be and that when you feel the pressures of so many things in life it can all get a bit overwhelming. And it's especially tough if you're hard on yourself for the way it makes you feel and act (I know, because the guilt I feel whenever my hormones/Endo get the better of me is immense and that makes the whole thing so much worse... like an awful endless cycle).

    I do hope that you can find the way back to being the woman you long to be, or should I say find your way forwards? When we go through times like this I don't think we ever go "back" to how we were, we become someone ever so slightly different, but that can be a good thing.

    Hope to see you and have a proper chat at the weekend, and I hope BML may be a tonic that you need right now xx

  5. I have stumbled across this post through Older Mums twitter feed - I am sorry things are rough for you at the moment and I hope they are brighter soon. I just wanted to leave this comment to say that I know immediately when I find a writer that feels 'right' (if that makes sense) - and I look forward to reading much more of your blog x

  6. I had been wondering how you were, I'm so sorry things are tough. It sounds like you're dealing with alot right now - despite everything, you are still able to articulate how you feel very well. You are a good writer.

    Some people find it easy to write their way through pain/trauma. Others find it hard to articulate their thoughts and that the ink well runs dry. I've felt in that camp myself a few times in the last few months, it has been hard work to keep posting, largely due to stress/ lack of time/ energy. When I have found the time though, that old sense of satisfaction has returned - perhaps it will for you too? OM's suggestion about writing shorter posts is a good one, or perhaps sticking to more factual stuff in the short term if you feel that you don't have the emotional energy to write a more personal post.

    Life can feel tough when you are struggling to find the enthusiasm for everything. Good on you for saying so.

    You were the first person who reach out to me when I started blogging; you have a warmth about you that shines through and I think you're fabulous. I hope things start to feel a bit better soon. Either way, as long as you're writing, I'll be reading. (And even if you're not writing, I'll be checking you're ok.) Hugs xxx

  7. Thank you everyone for your kind comments, they really moved me. I am determined to pick myself and get my life back in control. I know I can do


I would love for you to quack your thoughts along with me and will always try and quack right back.