It seems strange to me, that I am struggling to find the inspiration to sit down and write. Through all tough or hard times before I have found that writing has stayed a constant source of comfort. I suppose sometimes things get so stressful, the flame to do anything gets put out.
That is the scary thing. When you get that feeling that you can't be bothered to do anything. Go to the shops; take the children to the park; take any exercise; write. I have been there before and have no desire to visit again, so I am finding it unnerving that I seem to be on that very train to that undesirable destination.
The shining light. That feeling isn't all day, everyday. Like today for instant. I have been out with one of my oldest friends for her wedding dress fitting. And for a couple of hours everything seemed 'normal'. My heart didn't feel heavy in my body. My eyes didn't feel tired in their sockets.
I know life is hard for many people right now. It is sad to know, but also comforting - to know I am not the only one feeling like they are drowning in the hum drum of life as an adult. I have many precious gifts, my Husband, my children, my family. In that respect I am blessed. But we are blighted by the economy and have been hit hard to the point of every piece of security we have ever had being a hares breath away from being ripped from under us.
That is hard to live with on a daily basis. It starts to make you feel anxious. This leads to a whole host of rather unwanted side effects but I suppose it is a blessing that I was aware they were happening and could take steps to try and tackle them. But it is a slow process. Some days are more productive than others. I crave the productive days. The ones where I see a glimmer of the person I used to be. I can feel myself reaching out my arms and screaming for her to take back over - but at the moment she seems just out of reach and I am struggling to find the energy to fight for her.
I want to feel the passion to sit down and write.
I want to feel the desire to push a career in writing.
I want to feel the pride of keeping a lovely home.
I want to feel the joy of entertaining the children.
I want to be a good wife - the women who used to laugh.
But it is a struggle at the moment. My head is so full of stress and confusion sometimes I feel I can not string a sentence together. I always had moments like that before, but moments was all they were. Now I would like to open the top of my head and shake out the excess, so I can think straight.
I guess that is what counsellors are for.
So what is the point of this post? I remembered that when I used to write, I did it to clear my head. I think there is too much going on in it at the moment for that to work but you know, nothing ventured and all of that. I used to fit blogging into my routine. Now I don't feel I have a routine. A search for clarity. Most certainly. I have been searching for that since I have been MIA from the blogging world. Maybe I will find it here. I can tell myself that everything will work out. And almost believe it.
I can apologise to The Hubby and my children for being such a snappy mardi-arse. I can say I am sorry and I am trying to work my way through it.
I can continue the search for me.
I can try and resume normal service.
I can hope.